lovelight

Is there not something deliciously poetic about being a single woman in a strange city, tasked to care for a cat named Mr. Handsome, and he’s totally not that into me? Well, this is my life, people.

As faithful readers know, I’ve been traveling the world for about the last four years. One way that I do that is by trading free housing in exchange for caring for a household’s cat or dog. Not counting the cute and perpetually grumpy-looking Figero, my friend Tara’s cat, my first real catsitting experience for strange cats came in New Mexico. There were three cats, two fish, a dozen bird feeders, two ponds and plenty of plants to water. As I wrote in an earlier blog, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace by performing this service. 

I like caring for cats, and dogs on occasion. All the dogs that I cared for were pretty cool. Chula and I would take long walks by the Rio Diamante, where we witnessed the aftermath of a murder. And Noodle the labradoodle was, officially, the cutest doggie in all of Chiang Mai.

I say all this to paint a picture that I am a good catsitter and not a scary, mean person. I do not abuse really any sentient being. I’m even vegetarian! But tell all that to Mr. Handsome.

When I first talked to the homeowner about three weeks before I flew from Melbourne to Tokyo, I saw Mr. Handsome via Skype. He was a fluffy, long-haired lover with brown and black streaks. He was walking all over the owner, getting comfortable in his lap and cuddling. I was so excited, imaging the cuddles and purrs coming my way. I was telling my friends about my months in Tokyo with Mr. Handsome. There was another kitty, too, but I didn’t see her in the video so I figured she would be sleeping and minding her own business, as some cats do.

I arrive after my 10-hour flight and 2-hour train ride, exhausted, of course. Koshka, the other cat, is shy, but Mr. Handsome is waiting for food. He didn’t let me pet him. 

“Would you like to feed him?” the owner asked.

So, I take a packet of wet food and start to put it in Mr. Handsome’s bowl. He hisses at me. I go to sleep.

The next day, the owner was taking care of whatever business he had to wrap up while I basically chilled around the house and did a little work. Koshka introduced herself, and Mr. Handsome kept his distance. When I tried to engage him to pet him, he hissed again.

Convinced Mr. Handsome would come around, the owner took off to his trip to America. I realized the apartment needed a really good cleaning, so I went to work. Mr. Handsome was on the owner’s bed, which was about to be my bed for the next two months. I started to remove the sheet gently. He hissed at me. I swept the floors. Hiss. Give him food. Hiss.

One day Mr. Handsome didn’t hiss at me. But I was also wandering around the city, basking in the fact that the cherry blossoms stayed on the trees long enough for me and everyone else to enjoy them. The whole city was caught up in the act known as hanami, or the custom of taking in the transient splendor of flowers. I wasn’t going to let Mr. Handsome kill my buzz.

But he sure tried. Over the last two weeks, he’s done a lot of hissing, as well as yowling extremely loudly all the time. He especially likes to yowl whenever I lie down for a nap or take my daily bath. The bath, by the way, is operated with one push button. It fills up and heats it to the perfect temperature, and then it plays a little tune to let you know that it’s all ready for you to relax. He also enjoys yelling around 5:30 a.m. This morning, I think he was performing a tap dance in the litter box. 

When he’s not doing all of this, he’s usually found somewhere within a 2.5 meter radius, glaring at me. 

Early on, I did trick him with Reiki. He was sitting on the bed, miserable, and I started to give him Reiki. He started relaxing. I continued to give him healing energy, and he actually started purring. Then I took a chance and reached out to pet him. He let me. Then, before I could push my luck, I left. After that, it was as if Mr. Handsome was mad that he had betrayed his plan to hate me and double-downed on the anger.

Look, I get it. He really, really loves his owner. They’re best buddies. I’m sure Mr. Handsome has made up a story about how I planned this whole thing to get rid of the owner so I could waltz in here, clean up the old bachelor pad and take baths whenever I very well pleased. Nevermind that I feed him daily and clean his litterbox. Forget about the fact that Koshka seems to think I’m OK. She has a cute habit of running up to my lap and actually throwing her paws around my neck. It’s adorable. 

Back to Mr. Grumpy, er, I mean Mr. Handsome. He’s totally creating his own misery, of course. He’s missing out on all kinds of petting and purring and grooming. I can see this. It’s just another example of being around a being who is trying to take out their misery on you. It has nothing to do with me. 

It makes me think, of course, about so many people in the world who cause their own unhappiness. It’s so easy to make up stories in your head that cause you suffering. It’s hard enough to get people who do this every day see it. Imagine trying to help a cat. You cannot. I’m just giving him a wide berth.

But isn’t it hilarious that out of all the cats I’ve cared for over the past four years – Figero, Chicha, Nikki, Charlotte, Dilma, Trixie, Bob, Liz, what’shisname in Taiwan, Muds, Koshka and Mr. Handsome – the one named Mr. Handsome hates me? Like, he’s JUST NOT THAT INTO ME! I get it. We don’t have to go out. I just thought, you know, it could work. He is pretty cute. Ugh, I feel like he’s just another in the long line of males that I’ve attracted into my life that I shouldn’t have!

Earlier today, as I was fixing my matcha green tea, I made eye contact with the glaring Mr. Handsome.

“My charm is just not working on you, is it,” I said. His eyes simply narrowed.

 And I’ve been keeping a pretty low profile, since I’m in the middle of the longest fast so far. (I completed a 14-day water fastnot quite a year ago, and I’ve been completing three- to five-day fasts for the last few months.) That means, really Koshka is my best friend in Japan. Mr. Handsome certainly isn’t.

Like the few others in the world who happened to be paying attention at the time, I heard of the phrase “Conscious Uncoupling” about five years ago, when actress Gwyneth Paltrow split with her husband. They made a joint statement to the media, didn’t make big fighting scenes and generally seemed to be OK with the reality that their 10-year marriage was over. As a woman who has had more than her fair share of adult relationships fizzle, I was amazed. I was envious. I decided the next time, if there were a next time, if I were to break up with someone I once loved, it would be in a way that was respectful to both of us.

Easier said than done.

The concept is quite similar to one of the habits of highly successful people: Always go for a win-win. That is, there’s no reason for one person to be the winner and the other to be the loser in business or in a relationship. The key, of course, is self-awareness as a foundation. With conscious uncoupling, you are using each and every moment as a teaching opportunity to look within yourself to identify the past hurt that the situation is bringing up in you. You become thankful of the lessons the other person teaches you, and you forgive yourself and love yourself. This is also the essence of Radical Forgiveness, which is a worthy process for anyone hanging on to a bunch of old hurt.

Sure is a nice concept, isn’t it? Turns out, it takes two to uncouple, and it’s unimaginably difficult to have both parties be mindful all the time.

At least, that’s what I realized this week as I waited on the street, now for the third time in my life, for a girlfriend to pick me up on the side of the road, help me gather my meager belongings and let me sleep at her house for the night instead of being alone and homeless. All three times, the relationship was crashing down around me and abusive, mean words filled the air. When someone tells me to get out, I will.

Anyone who’s been through a breakup knows how ugly it can get. I’ve witnessed more than one punched wall. One ex got so mad that he slammed a glass-paned door, shattering it everywhere. Another ex called me more than 50 times in a day, begging me to take him back despite his compulsive lies, naked pictures of women and habit of constantly interrupting me. Yet another, I had to sue to try to retrieve thousands of dollars I lent him. I won in court, but I never saw the money. Instead, I heard all the horrible things he would say behind my back.

And why? Simply, it’s the old adage: “Hurt people hurt people.”At some point, we decide the best way to alleviate emotional pain that’s been locked deep down inside is to try to dump a little on someone else. Unfortunately, it doesn’t really work. It usually makes things worse. Because I’ve had so much experience in this department (and years of work on myself to release my own stored-up hurt), when my last partner would lash out at me, I was able to not take it personally. I tried to create a safe space for him and clearly express how I felt when this would occur. I wouldn’t fight, and I would never say something I didn’t mean (Being impeccable with your words is one of the wonderful Four Agreements). He would apologize and eventually it would blow over – until the next time.

Eventually, too much love was lost. After weeks of thought, I decided to go. We talked really calmly about it, and he seemed to understand. I was so grateful – it was going to be my first successful conscious uncoupling! It didn’t have to be a disaster! It felt like a golden ticket to adulthood. He told me that I showed him a lot about himself, and I told him how blessed I felt to have been able to travel around Australia in the cute tiny home we built together.

As I was packing, I let myself feel my emotions. I would cry over my disappointment and over my doubt as to whether I deserved love, all those sad stories you tell yourself. My partner would be there and held me. In some ways, that also felt difficult. Because of all the times he tried to fight with me, I had lost trust in his love. But it was so nice to have someone to soothe me. He cried a couple times, too, and I held him. It was hard, but we were honest and authentic. 

In the days leading up to my flight out of the country, however, I started to notice he was acting oddly light and cheery. He would bop along to the music in the restaurant, acting like it was his favorite song but then not knowing who sang it. He wanted to buy me a massage, treat me to dinner, and told me that he wanted to drive to the airport with me and see me off. I looked at the calendar and realized that it had been about 10 days since he lashed out. He never went more than 10 days. (Read “The Power of Now” to understand this cycle.) I found myself getting sad and thoughtful. In the last months of the relationship, I found myself not talking much and instead just thinking. It was lonely. 

And that’s when it happened. He wanted to buy me a beer so he could tell me about all his latest big plans for his life. This was common, me listening politely as he tried to figure his life out. I wanted him to figure his life out. I really wanted to help. For some reason, I brought up the last time he lashed out at me. I think I wanted validation for my pain, maybe one more apology. Well, I didn’t get it. He dug his feet in, finally over it. He told me I had been overreacting to everything and wanted me gone immediately.

So, there I was, on the side of the road in the middle of Melbourne, unconsciously uncoupled. I had hoped for a hug goodbye and an ex that I could call a friend. But you can’t always get what you want. You get what you need– and I guess I needed a little more practice in patience, self-love, compassion and mindfulness.

OK, let’s get real, shall we?

There’s a great Col. Bruce Hampton song with the lyrics, “Got to keep it real … compared to what?” Consider it the soundtrack of this blog post.

See, I was camping in my tiny home right on the waters of the Friendly Beaches in Tasmania recently. The park had a breathtaking view, with the corpuscular rays of the setting sun bouncing off the salty waves as pademelon – those are miniature kangaroos for those who haven’t been rambling around this Australian state – hopped past your site. There was no internet there, no phone service … just the rush of the ocean and the clear, mountain air. Nearby, someone was packing down. They said to their neighbor, “Well, it’s time to return to the real world!” 

What does this even mean? As someone who is never and always on holiday, as I like to quip, I never am taking a break. Even though I am constantly traveling, exploring, going to new restaurants and seeing parts of the world I once never even dreamed of experiencing, it’s simply my life. I’ve lived in certain places throughout my life for long enough to develop lasting and meaningful friendships, but there’s no returning to these places as if it were more real than my life today. My life today is my real life. 

Now, as those familiar with this blog’s soundtrack may know, I have spent many years of my life attending music festivals. I even wrote a book about it. All that glitter, laughter, lack of responsibility and good times … it sure seemed like an escape from the real world. It’s like I felt the real world was filled with people who weren’t nice and days that were boring. Isn’t that sad? But it’s real, too, isn’t it. The real world is filled with people who lack compassion and days when I don’t have a lot of work so I just hang out, practice yoga and read.

If I were to be working an office job, would that be more real? If I were to go back to sitting in an air-conditioned room, under florescent lights, wearing high heels and make-up, is that really real? If I commute in my vehicle during rush hour, buy lots of stuff I don’t really need, get pissed off at other people around me, find myself overwhelmed by social obligations and sit in front of the television for hours … would I be a member of the real world?

Judging by what that woman said at the campground, the real world sounds pretty awful. Why would you create a life for yourself where you want to escape?

Now, of course I understand. Five years ago, I was doing all those things. A former co-worker just emailed me to ask how I was, and he said I sounded a lot happier. I guess I am, but I’m not sure I had really considered myself unhappy when I was working a 9-5 job (along with a few other side gigs). In fact, I likely would have told you that I was very happy. And yet, I also went out of town almost every weekend. Little did I realize, I was trying to escape.

There is no escape from the real world. 

I recently read an article about perimenopause, and I felt so bad for the woman who wrote it. She was so unhappy and challenged by her roller-coastering hormones that she would lock her door to keep her loving family out. This is the same type of friend who would post about how excited they were to drink wine after work. I still drink wine – heck, I’m in the wine region of Tasmania right now – but I also go months without drinking. When I was a 20-something newspaper reporter, I remember coming home to my soon-to-be ex-husband and fixing myself a tall glass of liquor. I really was unhappy. I didn’t like the real world.

But, like I said, you can drink yourself stupid, exercise like a maniac, lose yourself in a novel, go to every music festival you can or set up a tent in the wilderness, but you can’t escape the real world. The trick, then, is creating your own reality.

Remember, you got to keep it real, compared to what? What do you want your life to look like? I have a friend who has traveled as a digital nomad for years and is embarking on a career to coach other people to do the same thing. As a fellow life coach, I encouraged her to do what she dreamed of … even if she was nervous about it. She should go for it, just as you should go for whatever you are thinking about doing. Why? Because your real world is what you make it. 

That’s right! You make your own reality. If you’re not happy with it, there’s no one to blame but yourself. And on the other hand, if you are happy with the real world, guess what: High fives all around! Look, I’m not saying this is easy. But it’s possible.

The first step is accepting your current state of affairs – which is no small undertaking, believe me. You need to take a good, hard look at the life you’ve created for yourself. Figure out what you like and what you don’t like. The way to do that is through detachment. Take a step back and be honest. Figure out what it is that makes you unhappy, what makes you want to escape to a fantasyland? 

The next step, then, is to start building that fantasyland. What is stopping you from living in your own reality? You already are. Time to make it even better. The foundation for reality is your own thoughts. They create your attitude, your belief system and your ideas. That’s on which you can build your behaviors. Continued behavior is how you make habits. Habits are the process for life. What you do every day, what you see, who you talk with and what you think about it all is your reality. It’s time to get real with yourself!

It’s a good thing today wasn’t a bunch of rubbish at the Newkind Festival, because I wouldn’t have been able to throw it out. That’s because there are no trash bins at this festival. There are no recycling bins, either. There’s only a compost bin, and it’s located next to the dishwashing station. That’s right, this social justice conference-slash-festival is completely waste-free.

That was a surprising development to me, as someone who’s been to more than a hundred festivals. Some just heap rubbish in big piles, from which you are required to turn your head. Others create teams of volunteers to sort the trash to get all the recyclables out. But I’ve never been to one that simply did not have any trash.

The meals they served consisted of whole foods that came straight from the farmer or from bulk food. It was pretty standard fare: usually brown rice or millet with a vegetable stew, sometimes with chickpeas or lentils. There was a salad offered, along with tahini-based dressing and some seasoning. In the morning, there would be porridge and freshly baked bread, with peanut butter, muesli and jam. Coffee, teas and cacao were freshly topped up in reused glass jars.

There were no straws, cups, plates, utensils, napkins, paper towels or candy wrappers. Everyone was required to bring their own bowl, cup and utensils. We washed them with spray bottles – one with “bubs” and one with rinse water. It was an alcohol-free event, so there were no cans or bottles. Anything that you brought with you, you have to pack up and leave with when the festival ends tomorrow.

It’s Saturday night now, and I’ve been here since Monday. It’s pretty cool to realize that the only waste I created is actively composting at the bottom of the toilets. It made me realize that I could probably do this in my everyday life, too.

What does it take to be waste free? I attended an inspirational workshop with a woman named Asher, who goes by Naginya in her movement classes, and her partner, Che. Asher has been waste-free for eight years, and Che joined her two years ago. They had plenty of tips for not generating any waste in your life. 

Before I get into the tips, think about how often you empty your trash. What’s in there? It’s likely a lot of food waste, first of all. The second most common thing in trash cans is plastic. You might be feeling good that you’re more likely to fill up your recycling bin (which is definitely where I am). But the reality is that most communities barely recycle 30 percent of their waste, and most of that is tree trimmings. That’s because there simply isn’t a big market for government and waste management agencies to sell glass, plastics, cardboard and cans. It’s expensive to separate everything out, and even when they do that there’s no guarantee that anyone wants to buy it. What happens if there’s no buyer for the, say, brown glass you throw in your bin? You guessed it: It’s just dumped in the landfill. 

It’s easy to be bombarded with trash. All pre-packaged food, by definition, has packaging. Beauty products usually come in a box and a jar, and then of course when you buy it, the cashier puts it in a bag. Would you like a free sample with that? It’s just more trash. Junk mail – in fact, any mail – goes straight in the bin. I just took a flight. That airplane tag is unavoidable trash.

Somethings are unavoidable, but the majority of trash is completely unnecessary, especially if you are interested in living a healthier life. By now, I hope you are saying no to plastic straws, bringing your own reusable bags to the grocery store and having a reusable coffee cup for your hurried morning trips to the café. Water bottles can be filled quite easily in most places with drinkable water, even though we have spoiled ourselves by thinking we need spring water (which is often just good old tap water anyway). But are you bringing your own Tupperware for takeaway food? Are you making your own toothpaste? What about when you go shopping for groceries?

Being a conscious consumer is the first step. Recognizing all the packaging on the food and products you buy is a great start. Instead of buying the fruit that’s wrapped in plastic wrap and sitting on a Styrofoam container, just, you know, buy fruit and wash it. In Europe, people protest by throwing those containers back at the stores. Americans are too lazy to do that. They just think it’s OK to recycle it, but who’s buying old Styrofoam?

You can do more than that. You can shop at bulk food stores. Those are places where you fill up your own small cloth bags and old glass jars with dried beans, rice, laundry detergent, agave nectar and most other things you need to cook and bake all kinds of amazing meals at home. For produce, go to the farmer’s market with your own bags or even a wicker basket. Those farmers are happy to reuse their cardboard pints instead of giving it to you to throw away. 

Besides buying the stuff you need smarter, there’s another level to reducing waste: Just stop consuming stuff. If I’m out and I am thirsty but I don’t have a water bottle, I usually just go thirsty for a bit. When I’m on a flight and they try to give me a pack of peanuts and a sip of water in a plastic throwaway cup, I refuse. Sometimes I ask them to fill up my reusable bottle with water, but usually I already did that before boarding my flight. I often tuck an apple in my bag if I think I’ll get hungry.

Thinking ahead is key. If you pack your own lunch, you won’t have any waste. If you have a healthy snack ready to go, you won’t need to buy a sugar-laden, fatty faux-food product at the convenience store. Being waste-free can help you be healthier and even save money, too. 

That’s why I’m in. And so is my boyfriend! We have committed to dramatically reducing our waste. We both eat whole-food, plant-based diets, with intermittent fasting, so I’m hoping our lifestyle will make it easier. It will be interesting to track how we do by saving a month’s worth of trash. We’ll have to find community gardens to take our compost and search out bulk food stores on the road (There’s an app called Bulk that will help). But it’s a project that’s not only good for us, it’s good for the Earth.

And that’s just one thing that Newkind helped inspire in me. But I’ve recognized, too, the inter-connectivity of how caring for yourself, caring for your community and caring for the Earth all works together. The foundation to making a difference in the world is personal responsibility. I’m starting by going waste-free. Will you join me?

It’s been a pretty heady few days at Newkind Festival, so I was excited to take my friends up on the offer to walk together down to the Marion Bay beach after yoga and breakfast. I felt a little like I was playing hooky from class, missing out on a morning speaker and the first sessions of the day, but then, isn’t everything a class?

The walk down to the beach took about 20 minutes. After leaving the campground, we meandered down a dirt road and then turned left to cross a field of ankle-high wild grass. Slipping through the fence, we crossed a muddy patch and crossed a small, wooden bridge. Our walk continued as we crossed a slightly bigger river, admired small succulent ground cover plants, saw a mysterious animal skull with big fangs and then, after climbing a small dune, arrived at the ocean. The musical sands squeaked under foot as I stripped to my bathing suit and ran wildly into the frigid ocean. It was refreshing, to say the least!

Back on the beach, I let the sun warm my back and learned more about some of the activism work my friends did. Liz, while living in Hobart, travels to Ecuador to help the indigenous people there fight the destruction of the rainforest caused by Australian mining companies. She’s connected with people she’s met there, and they message each other frequently. She talked about the challenges she had both working with people from a different culture as well as the obstacles she faced working with people in her own town. She talked about finding connection with others, and how sometimes it’s easier to do so with people who did not share her culture. Indeed, I relate: Just because someone is an American doesn’t mean that we share the same ethos. That may sound obvious, but it’s an eye-opening moment when you realize how much you share with someone who, otherwise, seems completely different than you.

Liz is an inspiration, but the thing that’s special about this festival is that she is one of nearly 500 inspirational people. Everyone that I sit next to at dinner, stand in line with for the toilet, wait with while my green tea brews or share a bench at a lecture is doing interesting work. They don’t have to be anywhere near the microphone for me to learn something from them.

Take Delong. He is a photographer who is also on the media team with me at Newkind. I was interested in his work because it’s so different. He uses an old-fashioned Box Brownie camera and shoots with black and white film, and I’ve watched him document workshops I’ve attended. He lines up the shot and sits with the frame for a minute before shooting. He doesn’t have the luxury of the constant digital, spaghetti-against-the-wall clicking. He values quality over quantity. He values things that take time. 

It was interesting to learn about his craft and his life today. He lives in the small town of Esk, Queensland and helps his parents run their Thai restaurant. This conference has inspired him to work with other restaurants in his friendly community to limit food waste. He’s considering starting a community garden with the compost.

Then I met Amy. She received a scholarship to Newkind for starting what became 44 Facebook local groups called the Good Karma Effect. When her cat went on an extended walkabout years ago, she realized how much her neighbors cared and wanted to help. She didn’t think it was just her neighbors, but that everyone wanted to help. So, she created a group on Facebook that allowed people to ask for help and receive it, for free. Now, she shared with me, she was making plans to launch a new website to connect like-minded, caring individuals from throughout the globe who want to help one another. She was interested in inspiring others to start their own project, just like she did.

Liz, Delong and Amy aren’t presenting at the conference, but they taught me about how simple it is for one person to make a difference. Activist Aidan Rickets took to the stage right before dinner and reiterated what I was learning: Connection is the key to success.

“Real resilience is connection. If we connect into our communities and to our planet, and connect out to our universe, we will find that Gaia will survive,” he said. “We are the same as the universe. What is inside this bag of skin is the same as what is out in the universe. We are able to face our fears.”

Aidan talked about how we must accept the way that things are in the world – no matter how much you don’t like it – so that you do not succumb to anger and make your own body the battleground. Only then can you find a resourceful way to move forward. I understand this. I suffered from what can only be called a clinical depression when Trump was elected and America began its years of moving toward fascism. At the time, I was in a loveless relationship, and I was not speaking to my brother after a nasty confrontation. I did not fit into my relationship. I did not fit into my family. I did not fit into my country. I was paralyzed and lost. 

It took a lot of self-work over the next two years to get to where I am now. I’ve been facing inward as I wrapped my arms around myself. I did help others, in my way: I taught yoga, helped people get unstuck through life coaching work and modeled behavior that I wished to see in the world. This week, I’ve been blessed and buoyed with the hope that, perhaps now, I can start to give back on a larger scale, just like my new friends are doing. I am impressed by the people I am meeting, even more so than the people who are presenting panels on positive messaging, entrepreneurialism and direct-action activism. I’m not just impressed … I’m inspired.

This morning at the Newkind Festival, after a yoga class with a DJ dropping some electronic beats and a big bowl of vegan berry porridge and muesli, I wandered over to a panel discussion entitled “Teaching Peace.” The question raised to the experts on the panel was how we ought to create a school system that creates a generation of peaceful, caring children.

I come from a long line of educators. My mother was an elementary school principal, and my father was a high school economics teacher before becoming a copywriter. My grandfather was a principal, and my grandmother was a teacher, too. Education is important in my family, and I was lucky to be raised by parents who read to me and encouraged me in school. I attended a good private school, even though clearly the rest of my classmates were much richer than I was. It was cool to be smart in my school, and I had the opportunity to be lead in plays, captain of my field hockey team and editor of the literary journal. I graduated with honors and went on to graduate Phi Beta Kappa from a good university, which I thank my other grandfather – an investment wiz – for buying IBM stock when I was a kid. That stock was cashed in for my education. I actually graduated university early and began a career in journalism, which had me learning new things almost every day.

School was a success for me, but the take-home message of the panel discussion today was that school is a source of a lot of society’s problems. Kids aren’t encouraged to follow paths that interest them. Instead, they are forced to learn a lot of stuff they’ll never need “in the real world,” and many become institutionalized. Psychologist Robin Grille talked about how school made kids “resilient,” which was simply another way of saying it prepared kids for the drudgery of a workplace.

I have mixed feelings about this. The structure of the modern-day school system creates a foundation of a work ethic that is needed in the adult world. As a freelance writer and marketing consultant, I love the freedom that my job gives me. After 20 years, I can choose the clients I am interested in. But somedays, hey, I’d much rather take a walk in the woods. I’d rather kick back and play my ukulele. My years of school taught me that sometimes you have to do stuff you don’t really want to do. That’s just a fact of life in this modern economy.

But then, when I was sailing, I saw a bunch of kids from sailing families who were homeschooled. By the age of 5, they were not only driving the dinghy, they were taking apart the outboard motor. These kids were learning lessons that immediately applied to everyday life. Due to the close proximity of their parents/teachers, they’ll learn stuff like how to be financially stable and how to cook healthy food. Many kids today graduate and never learned these basic life lessons – and we wonder why so many flounder.

Socially, school can be extremely difficult, especially for children who are outside the norm. Schools that are overcrowded make it almost impossible for teachers to provide individualized attention that students need. All the compulsory testing of particular skills often forces teachers to skip over important lessons – and perhaps this is the heart of the matter. There are some things that are not taught in schools that need to be taught somewhere.

Children need to learn empathy and critical thinking. They need to be able to challenge authority in a constructive way. They need to learn the joys of positive debate and the ability to work collaboratively with those who are different than they are. They need to learn compassion.

Educator Melanie Lotfali was also on the panel. She talked about the importance of spiritual education for children. She told the audience about how she offers an exercise to children where she gives them a bowl of dirt and asks what it is. “It’s dirt,” they’ll say. Some smarty-pants will point out the sticks or the little pebbles. Then she’ll ask them to dig around in the dirt. She’d hidden gemstones at the bottom of the bowl, and the kids get excited to find them. 

“Those bowls of dirt are like people,” she tells them. “The gemstones are kindness and goodness. Sometimes, in people, it’s very difficult to find the gemstone, but it’s always there.”

When children have meaningful spiritual education (and I’m certainly not talking about the weird brainwashing I got from Catholic classes as a kid), they learn to respect themselves and others. They understand their place in the world better. They build the capacity to investigate reality and cooperate with others. 

My mother, the retired principal, is now a spiritual advisor to adults. There are a lot of adults who are troubled – and that, I think, is an even bigger issue. Troubled parents raise children who are bullies, who don’t know how to care for another and who enter the adult world as mean-spirited, self-centered robots. Who could blame them? Their parents are the same. I believe the root of this problem – that so many people work jobs they hate, drink too much to “escape” their lives and live unhealth, TV-centered lives – is because of the multi-generational cycle of trauma in troubled families. 

I used to work for an after-school program, so I know how amazing, curious, kind and creative kids can be. I also know how troubled they can be. No child is ready to learn if they’re not eating enough nutritious food, if they witness or are a victim of domestic violence, if they live in a house with an alcoholic or drug addict, if their parents are too busy working a bunch of jobs to show that they care. Children need to feel special. They need to be cared for. They need positive adult role models.

Can teachers be those role models? Perhaps. But there is a lot of work that needs to be done in the classroom. In the age of the Internet, children can look up just about any information. But that doesn’t mean that certain historical topics and concepts should not be introduced. Just because babies are playing with iPads now doesn’t mean that children shouldn’t take math classes. Fundamental skills taught at an early age pave the way for success. Yes, lessons can be taught more creatively. But kids need to be guided down the path.

It’s a given that parents need to play a big role in the development of their children, but not every parent has the ability, the resources and the time to be a good parent. I imagine this is where the rest of the village comes in. Communities that foster families supporting one another can help bridge the gaps where school and parents fail. In Australia, there are active community centers in nearly every town. Ballerinas scurry down hallways that lead to art classes or other workshops. Perhaps this kind of resource, and the people who use these centers, can help create the peaceful, caring children who will grow into tomorrow’s enlightened world leaders.

Environmental activist Pete Cuming made a dire prediction today at the second day of the Newkind Festival: “If we’re not careful, we’ll all get to where we are going.”

And with that, the gauntlet was thrown. Where exactly do we want to go? What is our future, together?

It’s been a while since I did some visioning for myself and for my world. I’ve certainly thought about what I do not want. 

But I also know that you need to have a goal in order to reach the goal. The first step to manifestation is to create a thought. Writing down the thought is next in creating something from nothing. Acting on that dream gets the progress in motion. And before you know it, after weeks or months or years of plugging away, working toward it, your dream becomes reality. 

As I sat in the audience today at this social justice conference and listen about plant-based eating, sustainable consumerism and competing priorities of environmental protection, I realized that I am among some inspiring people. Over lunch, I discussed whether there is a place in activism for anger when heart-based arguments are always more convincing than factoids. When I headed back to my teepee to add a couple layers against the Tasmanian wind, I found myself wrapped in conversation about the way New Zealand models healthy and authentic respect for its indigenous people. This festival is rich for aspiration.

I find myself wondering, then, what I wish for: my vision for our Earth. Some of it came quickly.

• Minimalism.It’s an end to consumerism, which is the heart of so many environmental and social problems. Minimalism also reduces the need for long, grueling work weeks for people who hate their jobs. It creates time to foster relationships. It offers opportunity to play. (Did I mention I fell off a playground slide last week? Got the scab to prove it!)
• Care.A good Earth deserves children and elders who are cared for. We should have what we need to take care of ourselves in a holistic way. Our emotional, physical and spiritual needs must be met. Our mental health should be a priority. We need to feel cared for and loved, regardless of our family or our history. 
• Love for Earth. I talked with a woman named Nina at dinner about a project she’s working on for Mission Lifeforce, a non-profit working to create international law banning “ecocide.” Imagine it: The destruction of the natural ecosystem is a crime. It should be a crime, and it is in my vision for the future. 
• Whole, Plant-based Food.A world of people eating a vegetarian diet would mean fewer people starving with fewer resources being used. There’s no reason to eat meat. There really isn’t.
• Living Wage. I’m talking about class equality. It’s high time for the end of the era of a completely grotesque distribution of wealth. People working in factories shouldn’t be making pennies when the CEO makes millions. In my vision, no one has to choose between going to the doctor when they are coughing up blood and eating or living under a roof.
• Respect for All Living Beings.It’s 2019, for God’s sake. Enough of racism and sexism. Enough hating people because they don’t look like you or love the same kinds of people you do. No more destroying the lives of people for the short-term benefit of others. And my vision includes meaningful apologies for those people who have been done wrong, too.

I’m interested in hearing what you envision for us. It’s time.

Another activist, Claire Ogden, reminded me today that we are all leaders. We all have the ability to inspire others to progress. But there’s a reason why you might not feel like you are a leader. And here’s a likely reason: Fear. You may fear that you’re not good enough to lead.

We live in a scary time, no doubt. When you hear statistics like there are only 12 years left to properly address climate change before catastrophic repercussions begin, you should be afraid. But when you hear things like “Mexicans coming in caravans to infiltrate the border,” you should not be afraid. You should not be manipulated by anyone, including me.

But you should also not be afraid to say what your heart believes. Another speaker today, Dr. Farvardin Daliri, talked about the importance of compassion in life. I believe – and, honestly, I have to continually remind myself – that I have an endless well of compassion within me. When someone is short-sighted or cruel in their opinions, I have to remind myself of the old wisdom that “hurt people hurt people.” If someone is racist or simply eco-centric, I know (even if they do not) that they feel victimized and wronged. They haven’t connected with their power – but you should, even if you, too, have been wronged.

We’ve all be shut down. When I was in fourth grade, a group of my friends told me they weren’t going to be my friend anymore. For months, the girls who I used to hang out with wouldn’t talk to me. I cried a lot during that time. Eventually, my mom picked up on my hurt and called the lead mean girl’s mom. The next day, the girls decided to be my friends again. It was all water under the bridge.

It taught me a big, big lesson, and it likely isn’t what you think. I forgave the girls. And when the other girls in my class were more than happy to be my friends, I realized that everyone is a potential friend if you are open to them. I had enough room in my heart to let in everyone. Everyone can be an ally. I wasn’t a victim – those girls were just jealous because at summer camp, we performed in a lip sync competition and the judges honored the little drama queen in me as the “best lead singer.” I knew they wanted to feel special too. We all deserve to feel special.

Fast-forward 31 years, and I’m here to tell you: You are special. Those girls were special. Those other girls who were kind to me when the others weren’t, they were special. I’m special. We all have the value within us to be a leader. We all deserve to stand up and be heard.

So, what do you want to say? What is your vision?

            On the first official day of the Newkind Festival, I found myself honoring different cultures – and not in a superficial way. It’s lovely that before so many presentations and events in Australia, people pay homage to the native First Peoples who are the original guardians of the land. Remember, said the festival’s founder today, you are just guests here.

            Of course, I am a guest everywhere. As a full-time nomad, every country and every culture is foreign to me. It’s easy to see differences, especially during the Aboriginal opening ceremony where men wear traditional loincloths made of animal skin and cover their bodies in clay. But it’s also easy to see similarities with those around me: the man who is playing the ukulele, like I do. The ladies who are also writers. A friend I made at dinner who lives in a bus, just as I live in a tiny home on wheels. 

Differences can be a problem when you want to make positive change in the world. Depending on your experience and your learned point-of-view, you may not think some things are a problem at all. Consider, for example, the concept of white privilege. Some people I know don’t think it’s real. They tell me, hey, I had to work just as hard as the next guy. In fact, minorities have it easier because some companies have quotas and concepts of a “diverse workplace” that seems to make it more likely for others to get hired, even if they don’t seem as qualified. 

            Even if all that is true (which, it’s not … inherent racism that starts early in school and connects economically forces minorities to work harder to achieve the same results), there are certain things white people simply don’t have to think about. Legacy stress, for instance, is only a minority concern. That’s the scientifically proven fact that African-American babies, born to parents of the same socio-economic status and blessed with the same prenatal care, weigh less at birth than white babies in America. The stress that came from slavery days is passed down in the mother’s DNA from her great-great-grandmother. Some say, hey, America elected a black president. But the current president spent years trying to create a false reality that Obama was actually born in Africa and thus an illegitimate president. We all may detest Trump’s policies, low IQ and megalomaniacal, late-night Tweeting, but no one is claiming that he was born in Europe like his wife. 

            My point isn’t to prove that white privilege exists throughout the world. My point is that some people do not see it as a real problem because that’s the world they come from.  It’s why the Aboriginal people are still struggling for equality (read the Uluru Statement to learn more). Every set of eyes has a different set of experiences behind it. We all have a perspective. We all have a story. How married are you to yours? How much do you identify with your story? How willing are you to truly understand where others are coming from?

            Until you take time to see through the eyes of another, you won’t be able to work with them for the betterment of your community or your planet. Why would you want to reduce the amount of plastic you have in your life if you refuse to see beyond yourself? You have to want to care for your fellow and future humans–and animals on Earth, of course–to motivate yourself to do anything.

            Today, I learned how to make homemade deodorant and toothpaste, so that I no longer have to buy plastic packaging. To make deodorant, mix three parts coconut oil, two parts arrowroot (or cornstarch or tapioca), and one part baking soda. To make toothpaste, mix one part baking soda with one part coconut oil. You may want to add a little lavender to your deodorant or some peppermint oil to your toothpaste. To make mouthwash, just keep two cups of water with a drop or two of tea tree oil and peppermint oil. 

            In another workshop, I was reminded of the importance of caring for yourself if you feel overwhelmed with differences around you. Take some space. Hold your hand to your heart and deepen your breath with your eyes closed. Reconnect to your heart. Reconnect with your physical presence on the Earth, and remember how gently supported you are by the Earth. Give thanks. 

            I have a gratitude practice that I do every day, where I list all the things that I am thankful for that day. I have a lot to be grateful for at the Newkind Festival, as I gather experiences and skills that can help me facilitate change in the name of social and environmental justice in my world. I am grateful for all the similarities I share with others around me, and I’m wise enough to know that the differences can serve as stepping stones. I hope, even with those who are very different than I, we can walk the path together. 

I’ve done work from nearly all corners of the globe, but I can certainly say that I’ve never found myself writing while tucked inside a sleeping bag, wearing my boyfriend’s sweater and sheltered from the winds of Tasmania in a teepee.

And yet, here I am, having arrived just a few hours ago at Newkind Festival, a small yet sweeping social justice and environmental activism conference that offers a week’s worth of inspiring speakers, interactive workshops and behind-the-scenes conversation among likeminded people who care about making a difference in our troubled world today.

“You probably have no idea what is going to happen. You likely don’t know anyone on site, but you’ve shown up because you know that something has to happen in our society,” the event founder, Erfan Daliri, told the small group of volunteers and speakers who were on the beautiful Marion Bay property today. “We are extending ourselves at Newkind. That makes it challenging and also exciting.”

I did know someone on site: My friend Olga, who I came to love during the Ocean Yoga Festival in Amed, Bali last October, is the festival’s safety coordinator. Another dear friend, Jodie, a funny and passionate vegan activist I met at an ashram in December, arrives tomorrow. They both encouraged me to come here. It was life-changing, they both said. It was something I’d love, they both said.

They didn’t even realize my history with activism. I’ve been doing my little part since I started thinking for myself. I was the president of a recycling club when I was in sixth grade. I became vegetarian when I was 15. I spend hours – full weeks, at times – doing community service projects when I was in middle and high school, helping poor people who couldn’t afford to fix their homes or delivering meals to elderly. At New York University, I spent a week every year volunteering at AIDS centers or homeless shelters. I was the president of the environmental and social justice club there, too. We organized protests to stop the destruction of old growth redwoods, strengthened the recycling program at the university, worked with the purchasing department to buy post-consumer waste paper for the copy machines and, along with the vegan group, pressured the dining hall to carry dairy-free milk. We supported the pop-up community garden movement that was threatened by the city administration at the time. I marched down Broadway to stop corporate media buyouts. I got a mic ripped from my hands in Washington Square Park when standing up for the rights of women. I was never scared to get involved.

I saw a bumper sticker today that read: DILLIGAF!?Underneath, it translated: “Does it look like I give a f**k?” Well, I GAF. I have always given AF.

When I graduated, however, things changed. I started working as an environmental reporter for a chain of newspapers. There’s a thing about journalists: They cannot get involved with activist causes for fear of ruining their objectivity. I did make a difference as a journalist, shining the light on serious water quality issues and other major concerns impacting the natural ecosystem of Florida. When a county engineering department was forced to remove the gravelly road bedding they put on the beach to protect the condos (to the detriment of the sea turtles trying to nest), I cried with joy at what my dogged reporting could accomplish. But after a while, I yearned to raise my hand and offer my own good ideas for progress.

When I finally left journalism, I worked for social movements that helped children and families. I secured grants and organized construction of a playground in a minority community that suffered from gang violence and childhood obesity epidemics. I organized a fundraiser among friends to buy a trombone for a boy whose family could not afford one. I helped pass a referendum that saved $9 million every year for good programs like prenatal care for mothers who couldn’t afford it, mental health programs for kids and school nurses. I created a project that placed 100 little libraries overflowing with books in my community. And all the while, I bought vegetables from local organic farmers, picked up litter in major sweeps of my neighborhood twice a year, voted in every single election and signed all the petitions on topics I cared about.

But as faithful readers of this blog force me to acknowledge, I’ve been resting on my laurels lately. Besides expressing outrage for the direction my country of origin is going, I have not been doing a lot of looking outward. I’ve been looking inward. I’ve been traveling, experiencing new cultures, learning about life and, most importantly, understanding and falling in love with myself. It’s been important work for me. But how am I helping?

This is where I am on the first day of this different kind of festival. This isn’t like the music festivals I wrote about in my book, “Operation Big Fun: A Fest Life Guide.” There will be some music, but it’s a drug-free and alcohol-free event. The program is packed with lectures on solar power, cultural awareness, ecofeminism and community engagement. It serves only vegan food, and you have to bring your own utensils and bowl (which I carry in my pack anyway). There are no trash bins because there is no waste. Over dinner, I had my first of, surely, many conversations about what we can do to make the world a better place.

Here’s one thing I need to do, starting today: Be more understanding. I have struggled to find respect for those, particularly in America, who support the rich politicians who talk about grabbing women “in the pussy,” who take away the rights of anyone who isn’t heterosexual, who support neo-Nazis and criticize anyone who is a minority and whose agendas are designed to make life worse for anyone who isn’t in the top 1 percent of the socio-economic national structure. I still struggle with that. A lot. I learned that a lot of people who I presumed were loving, compassionate humans actually had a lot of hate and prejudice in their hearts. These Trump supporters told me to “go to the toilet and find a snack,” called me illiterate and stupid, all because I had the nerve to speak out against hate. I cried, but then I gave up on a lot of people. 

Maybe that’s natural, but giving up on people is not going to make the world a better place.

“There is a huge amount of work needed to change our behavior. Let’s be sensitive of our differences,” Ella Rose Goninan, another organizer of the festival, told the small crowd tonight. “We need each other to change the world.”

The moon will be full tomorrow morning, and I’m excited to see it. I’m excited to be inspired this week to be a better version of myself. I’m excited to extend myself. I’m ready to make change.

Here we are, in February. How are you doing with your new year’s resolutions? I have to be honest: I did not set year-long goals for 2019. But a few months earlier, I did create a list of health goals that I had been working toward before the new year and now. Recently, my boyfriend had talked with me about his own interest in adopting many of the same health goals that I had. He wondered how I did it. 

Everyone has different goals in their lives. I always believe that it’s important to have goals, because otherwise you would never be able to reach them. You need to set yourself up for success in order to get there. The foundation of a goal is in the simple expression of it. I personally wanted to improve my health back in October, after a week #vanlife-ing around the wine region of Western Australia and when I moved to Amed, Bali to teach yoga and enjoy resort life. My goals were many: 1) Exercise daily until sweaty 2) Practice yoga everyday 3) Meditate every day 4) Take a nap everyday 5) Follow intermittent fasting protocol 6) No sweets 7) No alcohol 8) Take my vitamins, and 9) Floss daily. 

I am doing great. I started running again and got back into shape. I followed intermittent fasting, limiting my eating window to just eight hours or less a day. I practiced and taught lots of yoga, meditated daily, stayed sober and generally avoided sweets. Naps are awesome and feel wonderful. So is flossing, and I’m talking dentistry and not dance moves.

Today, I’m generally doing all of those things in between working, playing my ukulele and traveling. How does one integrate healthy habits into one’s life? Try these tips:

1. Write down your goals. As I mentioned, the first thing to do is to make an executive decision to do what you want to do. It’s one thing to think about it. It’s another thing to write it down somewhere that you’ll see it again. You want to do what you say you’re going to do. It’s good character. Thus, you want to start working toward your goals if you write them down first. Goals are usually big-picture: lose weight, get out of debt, be a better partner. Once you have a big-picture goal, you then need to build on the foundation. What is the infrastructure to find success? It’s usually pretty obvious stuff, it’s just a matter of commitment. Lose weight? Eat healthy and exercise more. Get out of debt? Cut up credit cards, limit purchases and find another means of income. Be a better partner? Figure out what’s stopping you from loving fully by talking with a professional or with your loved one. Those steps are the new habits you need to foster. The habits are the infrastructure from which you create a new reality, one in which you’ve reached your goal. You can do it, but you have to work at it. 

• Hold yourself accountable. There are many ways to do this. I remember when my dear friend and roommate Kerrie wanted to stop smoking cigarettes. Man, that girl was smoking a pack of Marlboro Reds a day! But she was ready, and we created a plan where she would wean herself off the Reds, change over to Marlboro Lights and then start to wean herself off of those. We tracked her cigarettes using the white board we hung in the living room. Every day that she succeeded in only smoking her budgeted amount, I gave her a star. She asked for my help, and what I gave her was accountability. And it worked! That was – zoinks! – 20 years ago. When I wanted to get healthy last year, I signed up to work with an online health coach who checked in with me and called me out when I was being lazy or felt like I “wasn’t getting anywhere.” Today, I hold myself accountable with an app called “Productive.” I am able to check my new habits off the list everyday and track how many days I skip (sometimes an ice cream calls me, what can I say?). I recommend signing up to work with a professional. Maybe this is a mental health therapist or a physical trainer. Whoever it is, they should be offering positive peer pressure to improve. You’re paying them to help you, so you might as well do it.

• Prioritize your time. We all have time in the day to do exactly what we want to do. That’s the cold, honest truth. If you say that you’re too busy for something, the reality is that you just don’t really want to do it. Now that it feels great to run up hills – seriously, today I felt like such a champ – I prioritize my morning run as something that I do right when I wake up. I know that if I try the same run in the mid-day, it’s going to be too hot and it won’t feel as good. But in the cool, morning air, it’s lovely to jog. So, I prioritize that over luxuriating over a cup of coffee … which I enjoy even more after my run and my morning meditation anyway. When I have early work calls, I may head down to the beach afterward and play in the ocean for a while or take a sunset walk. An hour and a half walk adds up to the mystical “10,000 steps” goal, but regardless I have to move my body. I like to exercise until sweaty. I want to do this. I make time for it.

• Feel the benefits. I didn’t drink alcohol for the month of October, and again, I did not drink alcohol for the month of January. And you know what? I felt great. I feel really good when I only eat a few hours a day; I eat whatever I want, just not whenever. I wouldn’t do that if it was a burden. I’m not interested in the drama behind change. I just want to change. By taking time to notice how you feel a couple weeks into the new habit, you should recognize if it’s working for you in a big-picture way. Another way of feeling the benefits is to engage in gratitude. I keep a daily tally of things in the day that I’m grateful for in my Gratitude Diary. I also write gratitude prompts for my friend Justin, who created a Gratitude 365 App. Whatever the method, this is worth integrating to find the success emanating from your new habits.

• Keep it up. One foot in front of the next: That’s the only way to climb the mountain. If your goal is “lose five pounds,” it’s not happening tomorrow. You have to focus on the journey of it, the actual new habit that you are creating to reach your goal. If your goal is to “stop being so anxious,” you have to put energy into making calm, mindful decisions every day. You determine where your energy goes. You’re moving your energy in a way that will realize your goals if every day you do a little or a lot to make it happen. Consistency is key. It’s like tapas, one of the niyamas taught in the Yoga Sutras. Tapas is all about the fire that is stoked within the body and mind as you burn off your obstacles toward uniting with your highest self. But it’s like boiling water: You won’t get anywhere if you keeping turning the water on and off. That fire has to go for a little bit before the water boils. You’ve got to keep at it to see results. And if one day you lose your resolve, recommit to your goal and get back on that horse.

Creating new habits for ourselves isn’t easy, but it’s really the only way you’re going to get what you want in life. And what do you want, really? I doubt you’ll say that you want to plop in front of the television more, that you want to scroll endlessly through your social media and that you want to judge others and yourself more harshly. There are certain things that we can all benefit from, and frankly, that’s the idea. The better we feel, the better we act and the more we work to improve ourselves, the kinder we are to one another. Then, the more improved our community will be – and the more improved our region, our countries and our world. Thank you for joining me in this effort. I’m cheering for your success!